My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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