I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
