and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
