i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
