I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
