I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
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