i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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