I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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