Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
