From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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