I showed him my bush... on skype.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize