Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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