so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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