I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
