I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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