I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
