the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
