you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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