I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Randomize
