I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
