she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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