I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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