If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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