What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
