My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just found a bag of teeth...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
