im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
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