I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
