got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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