I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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