just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize