I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
