weddingsv make me drug and hornr
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
