My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
