everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
