Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
