Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Bring me that man meat
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
