Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
