so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize