I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
