I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
