Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
