I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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