i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
