Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
