Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
