I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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