I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
