Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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