Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
