Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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