Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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