So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
