How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
