wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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