Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
