ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
handjob tips. give me some.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
